Lingering Sentiment
by mags1587
Summary: Epilogue to The Pack. Deals with some of the aftermath of that episode.


"Lingering Sentiment"  
  
by Maggie C.   
  
Disclaimer: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and all the characters in this story do not belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story's mine.  
  
Setting: Season 1, directly after "The Pack"  
  
Author's Notes: This idea has been bouncing around my head since I first started watching Buffy. They put Xander through an awful lot during the first few episodes, especially in "The Pack", but we never saw him dealing with any of it.   
  
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"Looks like Kyle and them are up to their old tricks," Willow said as she walked with Xander to class.   
  
Xander looked over and stopped as he saw Kyle and the rest harassing a couple of freshmen. He frowned. "That's not right."  
  
"Xander?" Willow looked at him, confused. Xander ignored her and started walking towards them. Willow followed him, growing nervous.   
  
Xander stopped behind Kyle. "Leave them alone," he said.   
  
Kyle spun around and looked at Xander in surprise. The surprise faded after a second and Kyle practically snarled at Xander. "Who's gonna stop me? You?"   
  
Willow's eyes were wide as she observed the scene. She wanted to grab Xander's arm and drag him out of there, but she was afraid to call attention to herself.   
  
Xander just stared at Kyle. "Yeah. I'm gonna stop you," he said in a low voice. Kyle raised his chin and stared back. The staring match continued for a minute until Kyle finally looked away.   
  
Xander smiled slightly. He looked at the freshmen. "Don't worry, they won't be bothering you anymore. Or anyone else," he said, shooting a warning look at Kyle and the others. The freshmen tossed him a grateful look and hurried away. Kyle and the rest of the 'pack' stood there glaring at Xander for a minute longer and then left without another word.   
  
Xander turned back to Willow. She stared at him, a stunned and frightened expression on her face. "Willow, what's wrong?"  
  
"You- you... the hyena! Again!"  
  
"What?" Xander shook his head. "Willow, come on, that's ridiculous."  
  
"No, I saw you, you were all hyena-y with Kyle, and-"  
  
He sighed. "Willow, come on, I stood up to him, that's all. The hyena's gone."  
  
"That's just what the hyena would say," she insisted.   
  
He rolled his eyes. "Willow, get a grip."   
  
"Get a grip on what?" Buffy asked as she joined them.   
  
"He's the hyena again!" Willow said.   
  
Buffy tensed and looked at Xander, who glanced to the heavens for help. "Willow," he said, looking at her intently. "I am not the hyena. I'm Xander, your best friend since childhood. Okay?"   
  
Buffy looked at Willow and shrugged. "I gotta admit, Wills, he seems like our Xander." The first bell rang and they all started towards class.   
  
"But you didn't see what happened!" Willow said, tossing worried glances at Xander.   
  
"What happened?" Buffy asked, humoring her.   
  
"He fought with Kyle!"  
  
"I did not fight with Kyle," Xander protested. "He and the rest of the pack were picking on a couple kids and I stopped them. That's it."  
  
"Ha!" Willow exclaimed, pointing a finger at him. "You said pack. And Kyle backed down, he would never do that if you were really you." Buffy raised an eyebrow and glanced at Xander, who was trying to hide his hurt expression. "And there were definite hyena vibes."  
  
Xander stared at Willow for a moment and then looked at Buffy. Buffy took a deep breath. "Wills, protecting the innocent is decidedly non-hyena-like behavior. I don't think there's anything to worry about, but we'll talk to Giles later if it makes you feel better, okay?"  
  
Xander shook his head. "Yeah, because you sure wouldn't want to take my word for it or anything," he said, and then pushed past them into their classroom.   
  
Willow looked at Buffy. "See? Hyena!"   
  
Buffy sighed. "Willow, we exorcized the hyena from all of them. I think that was hurt feelings and possibly injured male pride speaking." Willow frowned and looked at Xander. "Willow, relax. He's the same Xander we know and love." She started to guide Willow towards class.   
  
"But we'll still check with Giles, right?" Willow asked.   
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "We'll still check with Giles."  
  
* * * * * * * *   
  
Giles looked at Xander and then at Buffy and Willow. "Let me see if I understand this correctly. Xander stopped Kyle and his friends from preying on two underclassmen and you believe that, ah, this means that the hyena is back?"   
  
Buffy and Willow squirmed under his disbelieving gaze. "Well, you didn't see them, Giles," Willow insisted. "It was weird, Kyle just backed down and all Xander did was look at him." Xander slumped down in his chair and tossed a hurt look at Willow, who couldn't meet his eyes. "It was weird," she said again.  
  
"The hyena spirit was transferred out of Xander and the rest of them. All of it," Giles said. "Xander is not under the influence of the hyena."  
  
"And there's no after effects, right?" Buffy asked.  
  
Giles shook his head. "I haven't read of any. Xander, have you noticed anything?"  
  
"What, I'm a part of this conversation, now?" Xander asked sarcastically. Giles raised an eyebrow at him. "Sorry," he muttered. He took a breath and sat up straighter in his chair. "No, not really. Just some nightmares and getting sick to my stomach at the thought of eating pork products."  
  
"And the others?" Giles prompted, moving to lean against the table.  
  
Xander shrugged. "I don't talk to them, but they seem to be doing better than I am, considering they ate Principal Flutie and all."  
  
"Well, they probably don't know what really happened, given the whole amnesia thing," Buffy said. Xander looked at her and then glanced at Giles guiltily before looking down at the table.   
  
"That isn't what I meant, Xander," Giles said. "I meant, do you feel any differently towards them now?"  
  
Xander frowned and shook his head. "No. I mean, I might feel bad for them for having to go through that, but they're still jerks."  
  
Giles nodded thoughtfully. "They're still acting the way they did before the hyena possessed them."  
  
"Yes," Xander answered.  
  
"And when you saw them harassing those students this morning, you were angry."  
  
Xander rolled his eyes at Giles's grasp of the obvious. "Yeah."  
  
"And you felt you had to stop them."  
  
He sighed. "Yes." Hell, that was what had gotten him into this mess in the first place, stopping Kyle and the rest of those goons from acting like jerks. He thought back to this morning. Seeing them up to their old tricks rubbed him the wrong way. He couldn't just walk away.  
  
"Because you couldn't allow a member of your pack to act like that."  
  
Damn straight. "Ye-" Giles's words penetrated his brain and Xander shot straight up in his chair. He stared at Giles with wide eyes. His pack. Oh, God.  
  
"It's all right," Giles said quickly. "I suspected something like this might happen."  
  
"Something like what?" Buffy asked. She and Willow were alarmed, but not half as alarmed as Xander. "What was that all about?"  
  
"The pack hierarchy," Giles said. "While the hyena is completely removed, the relationships formed while they were part of the pack are not. What this means is that Xander, as pack leader, still feels a slight responsibility for the others' actions. And the rest still, on some level, recognize Xander as their leader." Buffy and Willow stared at him, trying to comprehend that information, and Giles looked at Xander. Giles realized that the boy was still panicked by the whole turn of events, and he looked at Xander reassuringly. "Xander, it's all right. You're completely fine."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Trust me," Giles said. "There is no trace of the hyena left in you. Your actions today prove that. You protected those two freshmen. Those are your instincts, not the hyena's." He held Xander's gaze steadily and Xander relaxed a bit.   
  
"Giles, I'm still not sure I get this," Buffy said. "Kyle backed down today because he still thinks of Xander as his leader?"  
  
Giles pursed his lips. "Perhaps I shouldn't have used that phrasing. Let me simplify. Because he was pack leader, Xander is less inclined to let the rest of them run amuck when he feels there is something he can do to stop them. Kyle backed down because... well, because he knew that Xander would beat him in a fight."  
  
"Huh?" Buffy and Willow said at the same time. Xander looked almost as lost as the girls did.   
  
Giles sighed. "In hyena packs - or clans, as they're called - the females are usually stronger and faster than the males. I think we can all agree that the two girls who were possessed were not very strong, so I assume that the role of pack leader simply went to the strongest person out of all of them. That person was Xander."  
  
"I thought Xander was the leader because he got more of the hyena in him," Willow said.   
  
Giles furrowed his brow and looked at Willow. "More of the hyena? Why would he get more of the hyena spirit than the others?"  
  
"Well, I... uh..." she trailed off.  
  
"So Xander was the strongest of all them?" Buffy asked.   
  
Giles wondered at the trace of disbelief in her question. "Yes."  
  
"Huh," Willow said.   
  
Giles glanced at Xander, who looked absolutely miserable at the direction the conversation had taken. He went against his instincts and decided to give Xander some indirect praise. After what he had gone through the past few days, he could probably use it. "Xander may be less aggressive and more willing to back away from a confrontation, but that does not translate into weakness. Also, I would surmise that his strength of character kept him from deteriorating at a fast of rate as the others." Complete silence met his statement, although he was rewarded when Xander sat up a bit straighter.   
  
Xander was the first one to speak. "So is this going to go away?"   
  
"I'm not sure," Giles said. "It may fade, with time, but it won't cause any problems. You and the others are in full control of your faculties." Xander still looked uncertain. "There is nothing to be concerned with, Xander."  
  
"Well, okay," Buffy said. "Then everything's cool." She jumped up. "We still have some of lunch left, we can go outside."   
  
Willow nodded and they started out. They paused when they noticed Xander wasn't following. "Aren't you coming, Xander?" Willow asked.   
  
"You guys go ahead."  
  
Buffy and Willow looked at him for a moment. "Okay," Buffy said, shrugging. "We'll see you later, then."  
  
After they left, Xander looked at Giles. "You could have warned me."  
  
"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't want to worry you if it turned out my suspicions were unfounded." Xander didn't say anything. "There really is nothing to be concerned with, Xander. Trust me."  
  
"I do," he said softly.   
  
Giles smiled. "Good. Did you want to talk about anything else?" he prompted.  
  
"Yeah." Xander sighed. "I know I've been faking this whole amnesia thing and thank you again for going along with it, but... the rest, they really don't seem to remember."  
  
He tilted his head. "Well, people do have a tendency to repress or forget things they'd rather not remember. In Sunnydale, that tendency is, ah, heightened." He looked at Xander. "Does that bother you?"  
  
"I don't know. I guess it's good that they don't have to deal with eating Principal Flutie, but... I wish I would've repressed, too."  
  
Giles shook his head. "Xander, you are not the type to repress. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were not in control of your actions."  
  
"I just want it to go away," he said dejectedly.   
  
"I know. But the bad things in life don't go away just because you wish it." He paused for a moment. "Xander, if you were not strong enough to deal with these memories, you would have forgotten them."  
  
"It's just... what I tried to do to them." He could remember every detail of what he did to Willow and Buffy. He didn't know what disgusted him more: trying to eat his best friend or trying to rape Buffy.   
  
"What the hyena tried to do to them," Giles corrected.  
  
"But it felt like me," he said.  
  
"It wasn't you. We all knew that, Xander. Buffy knew something was wrong straight off."  
  
"You don't understand. It felt like me," he said again. "I didn't feel like I was possessed or anything, it was just me."  
  
Giles was quiet for a minute, considering his answer. "It wasn't a... straightforward possession, Xander. The hyena spirit gradually took over, at first only influencing your behavior and then taking over completely, causing you to do things you would never do under normal circumstances." He stopped, hoping that would be enough.   
  
"I almost killed a little kid, Giles," Xander said quietly.   
  
Apparently, it wasn't. "The hyena almost killed him."  
  
"But I still have to deal with it," Xander said harshly. "I felt it. I wanted to rip that kid's throat out. I terrified him and it felt good. I know it wasn't really me but I still have to deal with it. Just like it wasn't really Jesse but I still have to deal with plunging a stake into my best friend's chest."  
  
"You still feel guilty for Jesse." Giles wasn't that surprised. He was quickly learning that Xander had a tendency to take everything to heart. Not an undesirable quality, but he had to stop burying himself in guilt if he was going to survive high school on the Hellmouth.  
  
"Of course I still feel guilty! Maybe when I staked him, it wasn't really Jesse, but I was there when they took him and I didn't do anything! I should have..."  
  
"You should have what, Xander?" Giles shook his head. "You did your best against an enemy you weren't prepared for. If you hadn't been there they may have gotten Willow as well." Xander stared down at the table. "This is a Hellmouth, Xander. Bad things happen and no one can stop them all. You are not responsible for Jesse's death." He looked at Xander for a moment. "And you're not responsible for Principal Flutie's death, either." Xander looked up at him, startled, and Giles knew he had guessed right. He waited for Xander to talk again.   
  
"I just... I should have never gone in after Kyle and them. I was being stupid, trying to show off," he muttered. "If I hadn't gone, then none of this would have happened."  
  
"Or Buffy would have gone after them and we would have had a possessed slayer to deal with. That would have been a much better outcome," Giles said, a trace of amusement in his voice.   
  
Xander looked at him. "I never thought of that."  
  
"I know you didn't," he said. "Xander, things have worked out. Not perfectly, but fairly well nonetheless. Stop blaming yourself for things that were out of your control."  
  
"Where's the fun in that?" Xander joked. He got up. "I'd better go. Lunch is almost over."   
  
"Of course."  
  
Xander paused at the doors and looked over his shoulder at Giles. "Giles? Thanks."  
  
Giles smiled. "Go on, get out of here. Some of us have work to do."   
  
"Yeah, that must suck," Xander said. He grinned and ducked out the doors before Giles could say anything.   
  
After the doors had stopped swinging, Giles sighed deeply and shook his head. "Those children will be the death of me yet."   
  
He was smiling when he said it.   
  
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The End. 


End file.
